Heartbreaking news from Kekirilanthaya (PART X )

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(Indian fishermen often get into trouble by fishing in unauthorized waters  AFP) (Indian fishermen often get into trouble by fishing in unauthorized waters AFP)

The 25 percenter Prime Minister Wickremesinghe has been told to pipe down by his American handlers after his pea-brain stopped functioning while being interviewed on an unfriendly news station in Tamil Nadu and said that the Sri Lankan Navy had a right to shoot any Tamil Nadu fishermen who had strayed into Sri Lankan waters. “They are terrorising our fish, killing them and then eating them. We shoot first and probe later. Go ahead, make my day!” Dirty Ranil Wickremesinghe exclaimed.

 Fishing policy
Sri Lanka’s new policy on Indian fishermen will be termed ‘Shooting fishermen in a barrel and dumping in the sea’. This policy will only apply to fishermen from the Indian State of  Tamil Nadu. All other fishermen will be exempted from being shot on sight.

 Outsourcing problem
Transparency International and the Organization of Professional Associations have recommended that Sri Lanka outsource its government. “It is quite apparent that the new President is neither educable nor trainable, and we are also concerned that the Prime Minister does not have enough close friends to fill all the key government positions. Seriously, look at some of the jokers he has appointed! Not even a parent would trust these guys”, a spokesperson for the two bodies stated.

 Logical amendment
The 25 percenter prime minister of Sri Lanka, Ranil Wickremesinghe says that since his party is supported by over 66 percent of Muslims and Tamils in Sri Lanka and considering Muslims and Tamils constitute 66 percent of the major communities of Sri Lanka, his party has the required 66 percent support required to amend the constitution of the country.

White vans at  World Cup
The Sri Lanka cricket team playing in the World Cup has aired their concern about the appearance of white vans each time one of the team members received an injury. “These vans all have a red cross on them and one even had a flashing light just like ones I have seen at Welisara”, a deeply worried member of the team confessed. He also said that the team believed Jeewan pulled his hamstring while being dragged to the van by white-clad figures wearing surgical gloves and that Dimuth broke his finger after he greeted a white van in the vicinity of team practice with the middle finger of his right hand. The Minister of Sports has stated that a probe will be demanded on the matter by the JVP, and it will be completed by the next World Cup.

100-day selection policy
Sri Lanka’s Cricket selectors in a rare and unexpected moment of probity have decided to replace injured left arm spinner Rangana Herath with another spinner, Seekuge Prasanna! However, the chief selector rubbished the idea of continuity of the practice by dismissing the moment as the result of “this f.......king 100 day bull-crap: We will be back to our old retrograde and spiteful ways after the election!”

 Cameron’s displeasure
Prime Minister David Cameron has summoned the High Commissioner of Bangladesh to air his displeasure over his country’s humiliating defeat to Bangladesh at the ongoing cricket World Cup. Cameron had informed the startled diplomat that the UK will not grant permanent residency to Bangladeshi nationals till the next World Cup.

 Ranja the revenue Czar
The government of Sri Lanka, in a bid to prop up tax revenue lost due to the regressive and gimmickry filled Saradiel Budget of Sathosa Ravi and interest lost due to incestuous trading in the bond market will launch a campaign to promote the country’s two favorite pastimes, drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. The campaign will be called îmka wrlal= Wrmka isf.frÜgq Empty-headed cellulose hero, Ramanayake will spearhead the government campaign to raise revenue and cause moral disintegration of civil society.

  Legalizing incest
Sri Lanka will legalize incest in the financial sector. “The progress of this nation has been forever stalled by incestuous behavior in the political sector and there is no reason why the same could not be achieved in the financial sector,” a spokesperson for the government declared.

 Freedom of expression Yahapaalanaya style
Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe in a move to show his steadfast commitment to principles of free speech and freedom of association has declared that all protest against government policies or inaction will be deemed hostile and directed towards causing communal disharmony. Participants in such hostile, unpatriotic and undemocratic acts will be arrested and their fingernails and toenails pulled out by pliers, the Prime Minister stated.

  Nimal Siripala declares
Sri Lanka’s Opposition Leader, N Siripala the Silva says that he understands and respects the public’s total and unreserved contempt for him and will not overtly seek the position of prime minister even if his party lost the next general election.  “I don’t want to be a minority prime minister imposed by a delusional President as with Ranil Wickremesinghe,” the portly one said. Immediately after the declaration, the sale of anti-anxiety medications plummeted to a 52 day low.

Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irreverent Implausible News,Kekirilanthaya

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