Selective transparency at SLC

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Heartbreaking news from KEKIRILANTHAYA

Chandrika  Hamu, the first delusional and the first neurotic of Sri Lanka has stated that her government laid the foundation for the war to escalate by feigning ignorance and allowing the LTTE to rebuild after suffering heavy losses. "So, in real terms if not for me, there wouldn't have been a war to be won! It's damned unfair that I am not getting any credit for prolonging the war, so the Rajapaksas were in a position to finish the job," the logically and rationally challenged one said.

Re-mismanaging SLC
After realizing that their handpicked candidates had a snowball's chance in hell of getting elected at the AGM, the 25 percenter government of Sri Lanka has come up with a 'back to the past" solution to circumvent fair play by appointing a committee mostly made up of tried and failed former interim committee members to mismanage the affairs of Sri Lanka Cricket in a more genteel manner. "We are working diligently so that the selection committee will also be as ineffectual as the new interim committee. It's obvious that our candidates will not win in an election even if they were unopposed. So, we had to go with tried and proven ineffectual candidates”, the proven feckless Minister of Sports stated.

Minister’s promise
In related news, Minister of Sports has promised a certain amount of transparency about the goings on at Sri Lanka Cricket. “Everything not related to finances and team selections will be made known to the public. I don’t want to burden the public with all the nitty ditty dirty details of SLC. Who has the time to read that much every day?” the Minister queried.

The ICC has a laugh
The International Cricket Council has requested Sri Lanka’s Minister of Sports to explain why anyone with an average IQ should believe that the 8th Interim Committee in 16 years will be any more successful than the previous 7 that failed miserably. “We find it extremely confusing and humorous especially since most of the current Interim Committee members have served ineffectually in previous ineffectual interim committees. We think your Minister sustained brain damage when he fell off the turnip truck,” an ICC official explained.

Mahinda’s health scare
Former Almost President for Life, Mahinda Rajapaksa was rushed to the hospital after suffering from having conscience-like symptoms. "He was babbling about empathy, forgiveness and other frighteningly humanist shite! His eyes had a twinkle, but we didn't want to take a chance. So, we rushed him to the hospital", a concerned aide told the media. Within a short time, doctors confirmed that it was a false alarm and the former dictator was in total control of his narcissistic faculties.

India’s fears
On hearing that Sri Lanka and Pakistan have signed a nuclear proliferation pact, India is encouraging all home owners to build concrete bunkers in their homes as well as stocking up on canned goods.

Speaker’s arithmetic skills
Speaker of Parliament has been encouraged by the Montessori Training Institute of Sri Lanka to brush up on his arithmetic after observing his obvious inability to determine the opposition entity with the largest number of MPs to decide who will be the Leader of the Opposition in Parliament. “I only have ten fingers!” a visibly frustrated Speaker was heard telling one of his aides.

Speaker plans to go with the known devil
The Speaker of Parliament has stated he does not want to name a Leader of the Opposition for a few months. “I would rather wait till after the general elections when Ranil Wickremesinghe will return to his usual position. I have ordered the custodial staff not to remove any of Wickremesinghe’s stuff from the Leader of the Oppositions’ office. Why waste time and money when we know the man is going to be back the day after the general election?” a pensive Speaker mused.

Reward for defeat after defeat
The United National Party has proposed that the country adopt the “the most persevering loser” principle when deciding on a Prime Minister. “We want to be fair to Ranil Wickremesinghe. He is by far the most suitable loser for the position. Otherwise 20 years’ worth of losing would have come to naught,” a press release from the party explained.

GPS Plus!
“I am a firm believer in GPS. All my vehicles are equipped with GPS. I have instructed all my family members not to leave home without GPS,” chirped a delirious President Siribirius when asked to comment on the negotiations on Sri Lanka’s GSP status with the European Union.

Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent authority on Irreverent Implausible News,Kekirilanthaya 

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