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Heartbreaking News from Kekirilanthaya

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1. The Attorney General’s Office has informed the Supreme Court that all who have been accused and convicted of felonies between 2005-2014 will be allowed to use “Rajapaksas did it” and “Rajapaksas forced me to do it” as valid and acceptable arguments in their defense and/or appeal of their convictions even if there is no credible evidence to validate those arguments.

2. The GOSL has announced that the freedom of the media comes at a price. According to Rajitha Senaratne, the self-appointed Czar of Disinformation each published and telecast syllable will cost Rs.10 to the publisher/telecaster. However, government friend lies will be able to claim the cost as a refundable business expense like the value-added-tax. Hostiles will have to suck it up, Senaratne further elaborated.

3. Tamilnet, the long-shunned LTTE mouthpiece, has been rehabilitated under the Yahapalana program of President Sirisena. President Sirisena has informed all media organizations to consider the terrorist sympathizing pseudo news web as a legitimate source of information during the 100-day dream cruise

4. With the ascension of Ranil Wickremesinghe to the position of Prime Minister, the stock prices of certain lubricants have reached all-time high. There have been heavy trading in stocks such as extra virgin coconut oil and Jaffna produced extra virgin gingelly oil. Stock prices of these two commodities have gone through the ceiling since Wickremesinghe took over the premiership.

5. It has been estimated that Sri Lanka’s former Governor of the Central Bank, Cabraal has incurred almost 10 billion in loses to the country by merely breathing during the last 9 years. The Janatha Vimukthi Peramuna has filed an injunction in Colombo High Court, seeking an immediate cessation of Cabraal’s obnoxious practice of breathing while incompetent.

6. The initial probe into the Sri Lanka Cricket (SLC) has confirmed the long-held suspicion that there was absolutely no intelligent life in the whole organization.

7. While the prober’s were not surprised to find no intelligent life at the Sri Lanka Cricket, they were astounded to witness so many spineless creatures walk upright. The matter has been referred to the Medical Research Institute (MRI) for further probing.

8. The cost of the SLC probe will exceed the cost of Voyager (probe to Mars) and will be funded by Turf Accountants of Sri Lanka

9. After thanking American Secretary-of-State, Kerry for offering to strengthen democracy in Sri Lanka, President Sirisena said that he would be glad to send Elections Commissioner, Deshapriya to Florida in the event Jeb Bush became the Republican nominee for President in 2016.

10. When asked by reporters whether he took over the supervision of the Central Bank and the Stock Exchange because he didn’t trust his Minister of Finance, the Prime Minister rubbished the idea and said that he absolutely trusted his Finance Minister 49 percent of the time and it was only the other 51 percent that had him worried.

11. At the request of MPs Sherlock Senasinghe and Watson Hadunhetti, the President has extended the paliganeema period to February 1. After that vengeance will be mine,’ he said.

12. Raj Rajaratnam, the much misunderstood philanthropist, who is free on bail in the US has been appointed as an advisor to Sri Lanka’s Ministry of Finance. He will be offered US $ 3 million worth of Union Bank shares as compensation.

13. In an unrelated to Raj Rajaranam news item, the Colombo High Court has postponed all cases scheduled for January 29, 2015 till 2020.

14. The Chief Justice of Sri Lanka has been appointed as Ambassador to Pandemonium, Capital of Hell in Paradise Lost. The Chief Justice had requested Sodom and Gomorrah, but it had been promised to the retiring Anglican Bishop of Kurunegala
Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irreverent Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya

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