Heartbreaking news from Kekirilanthaya ( PART IX)

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Heartbreaking news from Kekirilanthaya ( PART IX) Picture courtesy – (AFP)

SEC headhunts
The Securities Exchange Commission of Sri Lanka is seeking an individual to assume duties as the Director General. Anyone who has a Grade 8 education will be eligible. Ability to read will be an added advantage. Individuals with the ability to read and write will be given preference over others.

Tuition for MPs
Sri Lanka’s parliamentarians will be required to attend monthly seminars to remind them why stealing from public coffers is not considered appropriate behavior for elected officials. Cabinet members will be required to attend the same program each fortnight and deputy ministers will be required to attend weekly sessions. The training will be conducted by the Maria Montessori Training Center of Sri Lanka.

Rajitha’s plea
Desperate to get at least a few skeptical and disbelieving opposition MPs to support the 25 percenter government, Minister of Disinformation and Confusion, Goebbels Senaratne said that any MP who is foolish enough to join this loser government will be offered a portfolio without a ministry. “No background checks will be done; no police reports will be required; and no asset declaration demanded. Come one, come you’ll, please, pretty please”, Goebbels Senaratne pleaded.

Wimal No 2
Prime Minister Wickremesinghe has appointed Deputy Minister, Ramanayake as the government’s official Wimal Weerawansa impersonator without the oratorical skills. “He’s a drama queen and a quick learner of bad habits”, the Prime Minister explained.

A free hand,  a fist and a spit
Prime Minister Wickemesinghe, whose party controls an absolutely abysmal 25 percent of the parliamentary seats has chided some of the country’s media organizations for daring to air his absolute minority government’s ample dirty laundry in public. He singled out the Upali and Rivira media groups, and accused them of lowering the non-existent confidence of the majority of Sri Lankans in his government. “I have told the few supporters I have that they are free to kick, bite, slap and spit at any member of above-mentioned news organizations at any time. I’ve had enough of the bloody freedom of the press. Why can’t all be like the Maharajah news organization? They have no problem looking the other way and reporting half-truths, exaggerating Mahinda’s abuses, creating imaginary successes for my government and giving free air time to rant against the 75 percent who are not with us. That’s loyalty, and they will be rewarded when we rig the general election. I guarantee it”, the Prime Minister said from both sides of his rosy-lipped mouth.

Where have all the flower’s gone, Mr. Prime Minister?
In another breathtakingly misguided and short-sighted move, the 25 percenter PM of Sri Lanka has ordered all the creepers on walls of his official residence living on the dole be stripped naked and paraded on bullock carts on the Galle Road. “They have been sucking us dry, those creepies; just like their previous masters. All deflowering will be completed in 100 days and Temple Trees will return to its previous barren, flowerless and inhospitable pre-2005 glory”.

President Siribirius orders manhunt for Dias Pora
After he was briefed by the commanders of the Armed Forces that they had received reliable information to suggest that elements hostile to Sri Lanka within the Diaspora were again raising funds for local militant groups, an agitated President has ordered the immediate arrest of the individual known as Dias Pora. “Start with the Panadura area. Most of the Dias’ are from there,” the President ordered the startled veterans of the armed forces.

IGP’s 100-year plan
Sri Lanka’s besieged Inspector General of Police has declared that his legal department will formulate a 100-year plan to deal with the deluge of complaints filed by the government-affiliated Rajapaksa Haters Front.

Rajiva and the Art of the (Un) Necessary
Professor Rajiva Wijesinha has tendered his resignation as 33.333 percent Minister of Education citing unnecessary probing into his domain by others. “Necessary probing under proper clinical conditions is one thing, but this was highly unsanitary. On top of it, I was asked to do a book report on a two-time loser by another two-time loser. No self-respecting narcissist would tolerate such outrageous breach of protocol”, a visibly distraught now just another appointed and unelectable MP stated.
Sudat Pasqual is the incompetent Authority on Irreverent Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya

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