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Heartbreaking News from Kekirilanthaya

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David Cameron David Cameron (Picture courtesy- AFP)

Cameron’s gratitude
British Prime Minister Cameron in his New Year message to Sri Lanka thanked the Sinhalese and Tamil Britons for providing white Britons with cheap labor and padding their profit margins for decades and said that his government will continue the exploitation of the Sinhalese and the Tamils at a reduced pace if elected for a second term. “You give one of them darkies an OBE or an MBE, they will be all over you like white on rice” chuckled an obviously self-satisfied Prime Minister

Miliband’s take on (slave) labor
Not to be overshadowed by Prime Minister Cameron, British Labor Party leader Ed the Egghead Miliband promised to regulate the slave labor trade in United Kingdom. “Now that we have all these Afghans, Iraqis and other Muslims clamoring to come to England, white Britons are less dependent on South Asian slave labor to make obscene profits. A vote for labor is a vote to shift the slave labor trade from South Asia to the Islamic world” an emotionally disassociated Miliband told a mostly white audience while enjoying a cuppa and scones at a country club.

Presidential mind
The 4 SLFP Central Committee members who were removed from their posts may be reinstated if President Sirisena will be able to make up his mind. “Considering his mind has been made for him by others since he was elected, it is unlikely but he loves to pander. So who knows?” a person close to the panderer said

Speaker’s angst
The Speaker of Sri Lanka’s Parliament has requested the country’s President to appoint Dinesh Gunawardena as the Prime Minister and the current Grand Impostor be made the Opposition Leader.”66 MP’s support Dinesh. That is more than the number supporting the lmpostor. Fair is fair and I will be able go back to being my inconsequential self again” a visibly agitated Speaker blurted.

Sporting rats
When asked why the Treasurer of the executive committee that was sacked for allegations of financial wrongdoing was sent on a joy trip to explain to the ICC the need for an interim committee, the Minister of Sports accused two former office holders of ratting on him. “If they didn’t tell the ICC that he was the former Treasurer, they wouldn’t have known because he had changed his name to Mohammed Nuski. Traitors all of them” the intelligence challenged Minister fumed and retreated to a corner to sulk.

Mangala Rising
The beautiful daughters of Sri Lanka’s Foreign Minister’s handsome male companions who are lavished with much at tax payers expense threw the Minster a surprise party for completing his first full week on the job without resorting to kneeling in front of a foreign person.

The ‘Rajapaksa Principle of Exoneration’
When asked why the findings of the Weliamuna report on SriLankan Airways was released immediately while the findings of Central Bank Governor Bondi Mahendran’s role in the recent bond fiasco has been shelved, Grand Impostor Ranil laughed and said, “Gosh. You guys just don’t get it, do you? Sri Lankan findings pointed to a Rajapaksa relative. Here there are no Rajapaksas or Rajapaksa relatives. Kapish?”

Snakes ‘n’ Ladders in the 21st Century
Creators of the board game Snakes ‘n’ Ladders have released 2 new board games in honor of Sri Lanka’s unique money based democracy: 1/ Crooks ‘n’ Politicians the Rajapaksa/Elected Edition, and 2/ Crooks ‘n’ Politicians the Grand Impostor / Appointed Edition.

Oh those Sri Lankan Kangaroos!
World Wildlife Fund has filed petition on behalf of all Kangaroos living in captivity demanding that the government of Sri Lanka immediately declassify the 3 committee members who conducted the inquiry into the country’s obviously crooked bond issuance as kangaroos. “We plead the court to declare these 3 whatnots unfit to be part of the animal kingdom. They disgrace even inanimate objects!”

Bond Report (First Draft)
The three handpicked kangaroos of the Grand Impostor Ranil issued a statement declaring that they were thoroughly circumspect in their whitewash effort to clear Arjuna Bondi Mahendran from obviously criminal behavior. “We interviewed Bondi, his son in law, his daughter, all 6 domestic staff, 2 dogs, 1 parakeet, 1 cat and 2 Jack fruit trees during our less than transparent effort. The Anthuriums were reluctant to testify because they were in bloom, but the 2 Jacks covered all vegetation of the households. We also took copious notes when the Grand Impostor Ranil gave us directions on what not to find. We are fully confident that our completely dishonest report will end up in the dust heap of history. But, we have been assured that we will get a piece of the next bond action. YIPPEE!” the report concluded.

Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanthaya

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