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Dear Grand Impostor

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Hello there Mr. Grand Impostor. I have been following your ascendancy to high office in recent times with great interest. Well, first it was interest, then it became a curiosity, then a bit of a concern and now it has become a full blown bloody consternation. Before I start venting my spleen on your sorry ass, let me commend you on your duplicity and total commitment to self-preservation and power aggrandizement at the expense of all but self. That takes some doing. That Italian boy Niccolo Machia dude must be your bedtime companion. Now calm down. I meant that in the literary sense and not in the Biblical sense. You might a lot of things but a necrophiliac, I think you are not. Of course, I realize that you are not done with our country yet and might pop a few more unpleasant surprises before we are free from the scourge that is you.

Now, let’s get to this latest power grab you have concocted with your newfound pal, the evil black widow. You two sure did a number on our bathalaman Siribirius. The Polonnaruwa Rala didn’t have a chance. He was like a deer caught in the headlights. You corralled the bathala grower, fed the democracy and freedom this and that to the bug-eyed simpleton and got those Limeys and Yankees to hop on for the ride by promising papayas and what not. Voila! Once they took that first bite of the mesmerizing fruit that is power, they were in for the whole ride.

You know and we know that you have the charisma of a chalk board. But, it’s only recently that we’ve realized that you have the resiliency of a cockroach. Not even a political holocaust will kill you. Aren’t you special!?

Obviously, in January 2015 a majority of us wanted a new president. We were tired of the corruption, the heavy handed rule, the nepotism blah, blah and blah. We wanted a kinder and gentler Mahinda Rajapaksa without all the familial baggage. We voted for Siribirius because he promised to be a kinder and gentler president and promised to change the constitution and create the Paradise we never were. You got behind the Polonnaruwa man’s sarong and held on to that bandita’s sareepota like a heterosexual teenager in musk. In our rush, we forgot how anti-people and anti Sri Lanka you and your miserable Nephews’ party were.

Once Siribirius squeaked through (yes it was a squeaker and not a groundswell as some of those foreigners you love so much have been saying), you started doing your usual nadagama. In fairness I must admit you had given yourself only a 100 day window to cause financial and political havoc in the country. So, time was in short supply.

You start by giving us a small time fraudster with Al Caponian ambitions and Raj Rajaratnam connections as the Finance Minister. Then you appoint a Singaporean Raj Rajaratnam clone with sleazy family tentacles all over the financial securities sector to run the Central Bank. It didn’t take long for the CB governor to do his Raj Rajaratnam routine. Even before he had fully furnished his new office, the Governor was wheeling and dealing with the in-law to the tune of billions. However, the money he and the son-in-law made by insider information didn’t go directly into the Governor’s personal account. He has been found kind of guilty but not really by 3 clowns impersonating legal experts. Onwards dear governor; the path is clear for the destruction of the financial markets. Ajit Nivard Cabraal never looked so good, I tell ya.

The Finance fraudster started his wrecking ball routine by scheduling his first budget presentation on the auspicious day that was also the day he was required to go before the courts in the simple matter of an illegal US $3 million foreign currency transaction on behalf of the convicted criminal Raj Rajaratnam. Then the Financial fraudster gave us the cutting prices here, robbing unfriendly corporations there and stopping all infrastructure projects everywhere gimmickry budget. Oh yeah, I almost forgot the price control gilmarts. Hopper prices all across the country will now be uniform. That was always high on the voters list of things that HAD to be done in the first 100 days. Phew, what a relief.

Then he appointed his imminently unqualified policeman brother-in-law as the Managing Director of Sri Lanka Insurance Corporation. Way to go.

Then you appoint your great kneeling and regurgitating buddy as the Foreign Minister. I must say, your man sucks a big one. He has been kneeling all over the world ever since he was appointed. Sri Lanka’s foreign policy has been outsourced to John Kerry. The Minister will most likely need his knees replaced pretty soon.

Let’s not forget about your constitutional shenanigans. Since you know that Sri Lanka will never elect you as their president, you tried to amend the constitution to make the Prime Minister the head honcho. Well, those Supreme Court chaps got a whiff of that stench and put a stop to that treachery. But there is talk that you are trying to sneak those same provisions through committee proceedings. Get your greasy body out of the cookie jar, will ya?

In the case of cricket, the only game in town, you appointed a person who does not seem to be able to follow simple instructions. His actions are so transparently stupid that his name is likely to be introduced in the thesaurus as a synonym for ignorance. This man has handed Sri Lanka Cricket over to the Maharajah organization. Was that part of your 100 day plan?

Mercifully, the 100 day wrecking derby is coming to a close. Mr. Grand Impostor, you have been found to be what you are; a Singapore loving, Anglophile Yankee Doodle Dandee wannabe.

Today Sri Lanka is not at a crossroads, it is a country at a standstill.

You have sown the seeds of political rebellion and it is starting to resemble a political weed garden. You have lost the plot and any meaningful control of the goings on. The continuous pitting of one foe against another and packing your side with empty headed kangaroos is going to bite you on your posterior. Mr. Impostor, once the opposition break free from their fear of the executive presidency, your goose is cooked.
Guaranteed.
Sudat Pasqual

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