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To John with malicious forethought: Take this Kekiri and shove it

Kerry on the State of the Union
“President Sira is such a simpleton. It was so easy; like stealing candy from a two year old. Now, that prime minister of yours is different kettle of fish. If you are not careful, he’ll crawl up your back. I mean that literally as well as figuratively “, US Secretary of State John Kerry on the handing over of the remaining 10 percent of Sri Lanka to his country.

Kerry to Ranil
“Your Sira boy is well trained. I think he even knows how to use the bidet!”, Secretary of State John Kerry on his first impression of Prime Minister Wickramasinghe’s enabler Maitripala S

Kerry on Maithri
“If the Third World had more obsequious leaders like him, we could become relevant again”. Secretary of State Kerry on Pretend President of Sri Lanka

 Maithri on Kerry
“I love my Guruji John. He is so kind and white”, Ranil Wickremesinghe’s enabler Maitripala S

Maithri-Kerry exchange “Guruji John, why did your people throw all that good Orange Pekoe tea into the Boston Harbor?” Maithri, Acting President Ranil W’s assistant asks John Kerry about the Boston Tea Party

“WTF is he talking about!?” John Kerry to his Sinhalese interpreter

“The tea we dumped in the harbor was that Indian Darjeeling shit. We would never waste the real thing”, Secretary Kerry to acting President Ranil’s assistant Maitri

Ranil and Kerry discuss CBK
“Who is that woman skulking around? Is that his Missus?” John Kerry confused by the presence of former President Kumaratunga at all his meetings in Sri Lanka.

“She’s the dominatrix in our ménagetrios. She sure loves that whip. We call her Madam Savannah.” Ranil Wickremesinghe, explaining his three way relationship with Maitripala Sirisena and Chandrika B to John Kerry

“That’s awesome! I totally understand. Teresa wears the pants in our house. She controls the purse strings too, though my allowance is quite generous,” John, husband of Teresa Heinz to Ranil W, the acting President of Sri Lanka.

He got the sauce, dammit!
“What the hell is MD???? Don’t you have Heinz in Sri Lanka? What a dump!” Husband of Teresa Heinz to acting President Ranil W.

Government of Sri Lanka will donate the country’s signature processed food giant MD to Teresa Heinz as an act of goodwill for allowing John to visit Sri Lanka unattended.

The handing-over ceremony
The handing over of Sri Lanka to the United States was completed on May 2, 2015. Maitripala Sirisena, advised by Ranil Wickremesinghe and Chandrika Kumaratunga represented the interests of United States, while the Ambassador of China represented the interests of the people of Sri Lanka at the handing over ceremony. Thus, Sri Lanka became the latest fully owned aanamaalu republic of the United States of America.

The next 100- day program (not Programme, note)

We have received the next 100-day program from Secretary Kerry, a spokesperson for acting President Ranil W stated.

John seeks Champika’s clarification
“Now, run that by me again Pat. You are saying;

1. All Tamils are NOT terrorists

2. All Sinhalese are NOT racists.

3. Except for your Finance Minister and Central Bank Governor, others in your government are only SLIGHTLY ethically challenged

4. Most Tamil terrorists live in Western countries

5. Most Sinhalese racists can be identified by their orange clothing and shaved/closed cropped hair

6. The Dali Lama is the only Buddhist monk with a sense of humor.

Gotcha.  But all Muslims ARE terrorists, right? If not, we’ll have to change our whole foreign policy!” Teresa Heinz’s husband John to Champ Pat Ranawaka, the sole non-thieving Minister in Sri Lanka’s Cabinet.

The terms
John Kerry, Ranil W and Chandrika K, the governing troika of Sri Lanka stated that Maitripala Sirisena the non-participating President of Sri Lanka will be informed of decisions taken by them within 48 hours of executing same.

New documentaries
National Film Corporation of Sri Lanka will release a 30 second documentary highlighting the achievements of the first 100 days of Yahapalana. It will be called “Two women and a bumpkin.”
In related news, Carlton TV network will release a 10 episode mini-series based on the thievery of the 100 days of Yahapalana. It will be called “Raj Raj, Saradiel and Bondi; all for one, one for all.”
Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent Authority on Irrelevant Implausible News, Kekirilanyaya

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