The Nation Sunday Print Edition - page 11

11
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Snippets
BY Sudat Pasqual
Cricket News
International Cricket Council
Chief Executive, Dave Richard-
son has vehemently denied that
he was referring to the admin-
istration of Sri Lanka Cricket
when he said that illegal actions
was the most pressing issue that
had to be addressed by the ICC. "I
realize that considering the con-
tinuous outrageous conduct of
the individuals heading the SLC;
it is natural to conclude that
whenever we at the ICC refers to
illegal actions, we are referring
to the hierarchy Sri Lanka Crick-
et. However, on this occasion I
wasmerelymaking a point about
the importance of eliminating il-
legal BOWLING actions from the
game. Illegal actions of the SLC
will be discussed at length at the
next general meeting", Richard-
son concluded.
India first
In a stunning development
the International Cricket Coun-
cil has agreed to allow India to
bring their own drop in pitches
for all their matches. The ICC
said that India was well within
their rights to demand that
they get to defend their title on
wickets similar to the ones in
the subcontinent. Indian bowl-
ers have struggled on Austra-
lian and New Zealand pitches,
and if we don't allow them to
bring their own pitches India
probably won't make to the 2nd
round, the statement further ex-
plained. That would not be good
for the game or the players in
India. This makes it a win-win
situation for India the statement
concluded.
Good Governance
The executive committee of
Sri Lanka Cricket responded to
Minister's call for gentlemanly
behavior from SLC administra-
tors in the following manner;
"Since forcefully imposed on
our membership by the first
siblings of Sri Lanka, this exec-
utive committee has diligently
followed long established prac-
tices of Intransigence at every
opportunity. We are and will
always remain committed to
bringing the greatest amount
of disrepute in the shortest
amount of time to this cash
cow of a game. We have never
sought cheap publicity by act-
ing in a transparent or account-
able manner. We are proud to
say that not one amongst us is
a gentleman. The last of those
were kicked out along with Ar-
juna Ranatunga. We declare to
the world that this committee
will continue its path of de-
struction of all that's good and
decent, including individuals
such as Kumar Sangakkara.
The minister may force us to
the fountain of decency and
good governance, but he will
NOT make us change our un-
couth ways. Thank you."
Cricket tax
MP Watson Hadunhetti has
declared that the Secretary of
Sri Lanka Cricket Board has
agreed to deposit $1 billion due
in back taxes to Finance Minis-
ter's designated account at the
Union Bank. Once the transac-
tion is confirmed the money
will be shared with the Minis-
ter of Sports, and the SLC Sec-
retary's position will be merged
with the office of the CEO. All’s
well that ends well.
Shashi Weerawansa
The
ethically-challenged
and factually-confused Shashi
Weerawansawas panic-stricken
and inconsolable when told that
her passport was impounded.
Shashi Weerawansa was heard
lamenting, "I am almost out of
edible underwear. Now Wimal
will start going to those hor-
rible massage parlors again! I
can't compete with those sophis-
ticated bimbos. Oh my god!"
Weerawansa vows to
restrict food intake
Calling the treatment of Mo-
han Peiris as unjust, the desig-
nated imbecile of that Rajapak-
sa Cabinet, Wimal Weerawansa
vowed to limit his caloric intake
to 1,500 per meal till Peiris is
made chief of something. He
said it was the same amount
consumed by him during the
protest against the UN. This
kind of mean and tasteless be-
havior was expected of us, but I
expected more from our Tamils
and the Muslim brethren.
Livestock News
Livestock in Sri Lanka has
filed a no confidence motion
against the Deputy Minister of
Livestock Development, Steroid
Ramanayake through their kith
and kinMPWimal Weerawansa.
The motion says that consider-
ing the obvious dependence of
the Deputy Minister on steroids
to look and act like a miniature
WWF Wrestler, the livestock of
Sri Lanka can no longer feel con-
fident that their food and drink
will not be spiked with growth
hormones and the like by Steroid
Ram's minions. "We don't want to
look or act like him and we cer-
tainly don't want our customers
who eat and drink us to end up
like him. Yikes!!!"
Sudat Pasqual is the Incom-
petent Authority on Irreverent
Irrelevant Implausible News,
Kekirilanthaya
By Andare Smith
(Grandson of AdamSmith)
Hatara Denama Surayo
[Wimal, Gammanpila, Dinesh, Vasu]
Who likes whom? Vasu has become a child
like Gammanpila, someone told me. I told him
that Gammanpila has matured like Dinesh. Then
he told me that Dinesh is trying to be reborn as
a Champika. Then I understood that ours was a
debate which had no end. But after some time
it came to my mind that I had not said anything
about Wimal. So I said to myself, 'Wimal is such a
powerful orator or actor that he can turn a political
rally into a cinema hall and that such a genius is
very rare. Gamini Fonseka needed a camera and
a silver screen, but Wimal needs nothing apart
from his vocabulary, delivery and acting skills.
Casi no
Casino owners have said 'casi no' (salli nehe),
and closed down some of their operations.
One door closed, another opened
Earlier there was a salon door that could swing
both ways, but swung mostly one way. Not the
salon has been shut down. However a prison
door has been opened.
Port city
Mahinda was defeated, but China was not.
We as a people
We as a people seek trouble when we don't
have them and solutions when we already have
them. Right now we are looking for trouble and I
don't think the future looks rosy. Only a hero can
change the course the country seems to have
charted for itself. There's growing mistrust among
our own people. Today, there is no dialog. No talk.
Games only.
Visiting lecturer
Kumar G wants Sri Lanka for him to do politics
and Australia for him to live. When he comes to
Sri Lanka, he is a magician and when in Australia
he is a politician whose only supporters are his
family members.
Some people’s World Cup
The SLC behaves as though it has won the
2015 World Cup.
Cricket is Nero’s game
With every world cup cricket wins. I don't think
even winning the world cup gives us anything
more than a small victory. We built Anuradhapura
without cricket. Now China is building a port city
for us as we play cricket. Our love for cricket is no
different from the Nero’s love for the violin.
Loneliness
‘I have started to feel some sort of loneliness
after Packer went away, and I did not have such
a feeling even when Mahinda was defeated,' a
friend told me. I think this is not only his, but a part
of my conscience too. Today we think that it is not
the farmers, but the Casino owners that feed us.
Notes of an unrepentant Kolombian
Wealth of a
New Nation
Those who thought that lunacy
was defeated along with Mahinda
need to think again. The other
day someone forwarded me a com-
plaint of sorts posted on Facebook,
clearly by one of those people who
sorely need a brain implant. I got
my driver, who has passed the A/L
to translate for me. This is the com-
plaint:
When Johnny was in charge of
Sathosa (that’s the CWE, he trans-
lated for me and it took a while to
figure what that meant) Samba
Rice was Rs 60/kg while White Rice
was Rs 55. Today you can’t get any
rice for less than Rs 90/kg and Sa-
thosa only has Keeri Samba which
is priced at Rs 117/kg. Back then
when 500g of carrots sold at Rs 80,
Sathosa sold it at Rs 50. Today 500g
of carrots sell at Rs 200. There are
no vegetable being sold at Sathosa.
Clearly whoever posted these
facts is missing the bus by quite
a margin. First of all, they don’t
seem to have understood the elec-
tion result. Mahinda didn’t lose.
They didn’t lose. The Kolombians
won. It’s not the same thing. True,
we always win whatever the out-
come, but this time we got a bonus
of actually having our Kolombi-
ans running things for us – much
better than having yakkos doing
it for us.
Sure there’s this issue of lower-
ing the price of bread which none
of us are exactly cheering since it
allows yakko kids to have sliced-
bread sandwiches are thereby
claim to be equal to Kolombambi-
nos, but that aside, this rice price
hike is something that had to hap-
pen.
What our rice-eating non-
Kolombians (who unfortunately
we have to share this island with)
don’t get is that rice is old fash-
ioned. We’ve always been on a
mission to get it off our national
plate.
Our beloved conquerors de-
stroyed all the reservoirs they
could find. Hit the tank, hit the
stomach and the rest is a piece of
cake was how they reasoned. We,
Kolombians, their legitimate suc-
cessors naturally felt that it was a
good strategy. Successive Kolom-
bian decision-makers (and mind
you, D.S. was not one of them
– Banda was, but that’s another
story) have gone out of their way
to get this done.
JR started things rolling with
his liberalization. By the time
Chandrika came along it was in
full swing. The entire agricul-
tural research apparatus was
decentralized into oblivion. I’ve
heard that our rice-eating ances-
tors (idiots all of them) had de-
veloped thousands of varieties
to fit different soil, climate and
weather conditions but you won’t
find any of our grain-washed
(and ‘brainwashed’ too I might
add) professors in any of the
agriculture departments in any
of our universities encouraging
students to write undergraduate
dissertations on traditional rice
varieties. Why? Simple. We’re
serious about this get-out-of-rice
business.
So, why should anyone even
question our man Ravi Ka-
runanayake (who is merely con-
tinuing the good work he started
13 years ago when he launched
his destroy-sathosa crusade, as
someone pointed out) when he’s
only implementing a centuries-
old plan to strengthen the posi-
tion of the true owners of this
island, the Kolombians?
Get a life, you dumb rice-gulp-
ing bums. Eat cake.
Kekirilanthaya
Heartbreaking News from
If rice is too expensive
eat cake yako!
Our beloved conquerors destroyed
all the reservoirs they could find. Hit
the tank, hit the stomach and the
rest is a piece of cake was how they
reasoned. We, Kolombians, their
legitimate successors naturally felt
that it was an excellent strategy
Shashi Weerawansa
Wimal Weerawansa
Sunil Hadunhetti
Ranjan Ramanayake
ICC-wekimedia.org
AFP
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