The Nation Sunday Print Edition - page 11

Cameron’s gratitude
BritishPrimeMinister Cameron inhis
New Year message to Sri Lanka thanked
the Sinhalese and Tamil Britons for pro-
viding white Britons with cheap labor
and padding their profit margins for de-
cades and said that his government will
continue the exploitation of the Sinha-
lese and the Tamils at a reduced pace
if elected for a second term. “You give
one of them darkies an OBE or an MBE,
they will be all over you like white on
rice” chuckled an obviously self-satis-
fied Prime Minister
Miliband’s take on (slave) labor
Not to be overshadowed by Prime
Minister Cameron, British Labor Party
leader Ed the Egghead Miliband prom-
ised to regulate the slave labor trade in
United Kingdom. “Now that we have all
these Afghans, Iraqis and other Mus-
lims clamoring to come to England,
white Britons are less dependent on
South Asian slave labor to make obscene
profits. A vote for labor is a vote to shift
the slave labor trade from South Asia to
the Islamic world” an emotionally disas-
sociated Miliband told a mostly white
audience while enjoying a cuppa and
scones at a country club.
Presidential mind
The 4 SLFP Central Committee mem-
bers who were removed from their posts
may be reinstated if President Sirisena
will be able to make up his mind. “Con-
sidering his mind has been made for
him by others since he was elected, it is
unlikely but he loves to pander. So who
knows?” a person close to the panderer
Speaker’s angst
The Speaker of Sri Lanka’s Parlia-
ment has requested the country’s Presi-
dent to appoint Dinesh Gunawardena
as the Prime Minister and the current
Grand Impostor be made the Opposition
Leader.”66 MP’s support Dinesh. That is
more than the number supporting the
lmpostor. Fair is fair and I will be able
go back to being my inconsequential
self again” a visibly agitated Speaker
Sporting rats
When asked why the Treasurer of the
executive committee that was sacked for
allegations of financial wrongdoing was
sent on a joy trip to explain to the ICC
the need for an interim committee, the
Minister of Sports accused two former
office holders of ratting on him. “If they
didn’t tell the ICC that he was the former
Treasurer, they wouldn’t have known
because he had changed his name to Mo-
hammed Nuski. Traitors all of them”
the intelligence challenged Minister
fumed and retreated to a corner to sulk.
Mangala Rising
The beautiful daughters of Sri Lanka’s
Foreign Minister’s handsome male com-
panions who are lavished with much at
tax payers expense threw the Minster a
surprise party for completing his first
full week on the job without resorting to
kneeling in front of a foreign person.
The ‘Rajapaksa Principle of
When asked why the findings of the
Weliamuna report on SriLankan Air-
ways was released immediately while
the findings of Central Bank Governor
Bondi Mahendran’s role in the recent
bond fiasco has been shelved, Grand Im-
postor Ranil laughed and said, “Gosh.
You guys just don’t get it, do you? Sri
Lankan findings pointed to a Rajapaksa
relative. Here there are no Rajapaksas
or Rajapaksa relatives. Kapish?”
Snakes ‘n’ Ladders in the
21st Century
Creators of the board game Snakes
‘n’ Ladders have released 2 new board
games in honor of Sri Lanka’s unique
money based democracy: 1/ Crooks ‘n’
Politicians the Rajapaksa/Elected Edi-
tion, and 2/ Crooks ‘n’ Politicians the
Grand Impostor / Appointed Edition.
Oh those Sri Lankan Kangaroos!
World Wildlife Fund has filed petition
on behalf of all Kangaroos living in cap-
tivity demanding that the government
of Sri Lanka immediately declassify the
3 committee members who conducted
the inquiry into the country’s obviously
crooked bond issuance as kangaroos. “We
plead the court to declare these 3 whatnots
unfit to be part of the animal kingdom.
They disgrace even inanimate objects!”
Bond Report (First Draft)
The three handpicked kangaroos of
the Grand Impostor Ranil issued a state-
ment declaring that they were thoroughly
circumspect in their whitewash effort
to clear Arjuna Bondi Mahendran from
obviously criminal behavior. “We inter-
viewed Bondi, his son in law, his daughter,
all 6 domestic staff, 2 dogs, 1 parakeet, 1
cat and 2 Jack fruit trees during our less
than transparent effort. The Anthuriums
were reluctant to testify because they
were in bloom, but the 2 Jacks covered
all vegetation of the households. We also
took copious notes when the Grand Im-
postor Ranil gave us directions on what
not to find. We are fully confident that
our completely dishonest report will
end up in the dust heap of history. But,
we have been assured that we will get a
piece of the next bond action. YIPPEE!”
the report concluded.
Sudat Pasqual is the Incompetent
Authority on Irrelevant Implausible
News, Kekirilanthaya
Saturday, April 25, 2015
This was a dream from left-field,
literally. It is something I had never
dreamed of, really. I was the new
leader of the JVP. I felt proud. This
was after all the party founded by
Comrade Wijeweera.
My first task was to convene the
Central Committee and outline my
plans for the party. But suddenly I
remembered something. Immediately
my conscience demanded that I recon-
sider my priorities. So, the very next
morning I went to see Comrade Wijew-
eera’s widow and their children. I told
them that I was the new leader of the
Comrade Chitrangani didn’t seem
impressed. She looked away and mut-
tered, ‘Only I know the sacrifices made
by my husband to build this party…but
now I see you people hobnobbing with
the torturers who spilled his blood…I
hear that they are all quite chummy in
the Executive Council or something, is
this true?’
I told her that it is true there had
been such people in the JVP, but reiter-
ated that I was now the leader and will
not let anyone auction off the party
that Comrade Wijeweera founded.
‘It’s easy to say that. After every-
thing that has happened how can any-
one trust you people?’ she asked.
I reassured her: ‘Comrade Chitran-
gani, I am Amden. I was made leader
because I never strayed from the path
that Comrade Wijeweera blazed for us
all. My first task as leader was to in-
sist that the party would take care of
Comrade Wijeweera’s family. Every-
one endorsed this. I came to inform
you of the party decision.’
Comrade Chitrangani ran into the
house and came back with the red
garland that had adorned Comrade
Wijeweera’s portrait. She garlanded
me: ‘Long live the new leader of the
Just then my mobile started to ring.
It was Comrade Wimal who had left
our party sometime ago.
Jaya Weva
! Now it is up to you to
walk the path we walked, dream the
dreams we all dreamed. We will stand
by you, comrade!’
That was too much. I woke up. I
stayed in bed for a while and thought
to myself, ‘it is a blessing that at least
in our dreams we can see such things!’
Heartbreaking news from
Notes of an Unrepentant Kolombian
I am losing faith in Ranil. Really. He is
yet to learn that although justice will not be
done it must seem to be done. He’s got a lot
more to learn actually. I think he slipped
badly with this Central Bank bond busi-
ness. I thought he was playing smart when
he organized a home and home affair by
appointing friends to ‘investigate’ friends.
But there are friends and there are friends.
Not all friends are smart. The guys on this
investigating panel were obviously pals,
but either they were fake Kolombians or
worse, non-Kolombians.
The newspapers and websites did their
bit. They gave the Kolombian spin all
right. ‘Exonerated’ was the word used.
The investigators got it wrong. They said
‘not directly involved’. This means ‘could
have been indirectly involved’. That’s the
crux of the matter. Insider deals are not
‘direct’. It’s all about ‘indirect’.
They really messed it up by painting
Perpetual (owned by the Governor’s son-
in-law, no less!) and the Bank of Ceylon
(which coughed up the dough and which,
being a state bank, was directly linked to
the Governor) in poor light. It’s so simple.
I asked my neighbor’s son (both Kolom-
bians by the way) what they made of the
‘findings’. The young boy, just 11 years old
said, ‘Uncle, I can draw it for you’. Here’s
what he came up with.
The true
meaning of
Gods above presidency
Only gods are above the executive presi-
dency. That is why Ranil suddenly went on
pilgrimage to Sri Krishna Kovil in Kerala,
some people say.
Denim, Saree, Gown, UNP
and SLFP
The most fierce fight is not between Mai-
thrI andMahinda or between any other two
persons, but between the denim and the sa-
ree. But if you want you can take SLFP as
denim, UNP as Saree and JVP as gown. But
the gown has already lost the battle.
Do not try
Happiness is a childish feeling and sad-
ness too. So do not try to be happy because
then you will not be sad.
Kadawuna Poronduwa II
(Broken promise II)
ASP has locked the gates of Peacock
Mansion, and said that he would not give it
to MR.
Inside out or outside in
Mahinda lost Peacock mansion outside
the Diyawannawa but his supporters have
taken the mansion inside Diyawanna.
Siri Ayya is a 360
Derana invited Somawansa in order to
auction him. But Somawansa liquidated
. At the age of 71 this is a remark-
able achievement.
May god bless you dear Ranil
Ranil is not ready to kneel before the
people to get their support but is ever ready
to kneel before gods to get their support. So
he went to Kerala. It makes sense because
it is difficult to understand the motives and
behavior of people. And this is not the fault
of Gods but that of the people and Ranil is
right again. So may God bless dear Ranil.
Are there foreign gods?
The foreign gods are trustworthy than lo-
cal gods for Mahinda, Maithree and Ranil. I
think this is a tragedy. But anyway you can
say that unlike us, these gods are not citi-
zens of a single country.
A question
Is Chinese money more powerful than
South Indian gods?
God bless the parliament too.
Final decision
A country does not need a constitution. A
country does not need laws. But a country
needs bribes. Without bribes a country is
nothing and cannot move. So before the con-
stitution is amended, let us legalize bribes.
Situation report
Diyawannawa Prison and Welikada Par-
Sarath Fonseka Mw
Sarath Fonseka Mw has been opened for
Basil too.
Today there are no citizens, just political
Hopefulness and hopelessness has been
mixed up to the extent that hopelessness
has become hopefulness. So everyone is
mad or close to insanity.
Andre Smith (Grandson of Adam Smith)
The new JVP leader
Now, I know that even long time back-
ers of brutal UNP regimes (with PhDs of
course) have dragged Ranil over the coals
about this issue. That should serve as a
warning. But what they’ve said is exact-
ly what young Kevin next door said. It’s
about information leakage. It is about a
close relative going to moneyed entity that
is in a way beholden to his wife’s papa to
loan some bucks which can be invested in
a quick-entry, quick-exit-with-lots-of-bucks
kind of way.
I blame Ranil for this. Those party loyal-
ists should have been briefed. They should
have been told what they should say and
what they should hide. They could have
limited their comments to some vague com-
ments about tender procedures or composi-
tion of this or that committee. Now they’ve
done it. They have raised questions about
the son-in-law’s ‘behavior’. They have im-
plicated a state bank. If Ranil dug a hole
for himself by appointing Mahendran, and
made it bigger by appointing some people
ignorant of Kolombian ways, these people
have made it so big that Ranil can’t come
Deep down, I knew that this Yahapalana
business was bad news. Take it from me.
That’s inside stuff. Insider news if you will.
What a mess, what a bloody mess!
David Cameron
No not him!
Mahinda Rajapaksa
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