America’s Top Spokescouch Breaks Silence on J.D. Vance Scandal

The community of sofas and sectionals denies the slanderous rumors connecting the nation’s favorite furniture to the likes of J.D. Vance.

That couch, like America, did not choose to be associated with that man. He just ended up in a seat he doesn’t deserve.

We’ve seen all your “loveseat” and “pullout” jokes, and it’s about time you all start treating us couches with the value bestowed upon us by our sticker price.

Read more at The Daily Beast.